TAKE ME BACK!
What a whirlwind of a two weeks.
I acknowledged a lot about myself on this trip - less (consciously) affected and effected by what I thought would peruse me; the cultural transfusion. I felt open, prepared to take on all that came with and went with the process of traveling internationally for the first time. The challenges: I was ready for. Bring it on. The discomfort and overwhelming unsure-ness of the experience of being so out of my comfort zone definitely presented itself more times than I can count, but I felt like I was prepared enough to at least attempt to embrace them. I was entranced by the feeling of being the foreign, someone no one knew anything about. I could be anyone! I could be someone I never was in Atlanta.
I wondered what made me feel like that. Why couldn't I be that person in Atlanta?
It was like some kind of international courage that didn't exist when I was at home, in my element, my comfort zone.
I have always liked the idea of being knocked on my ass out the door of my comfort zone. The idea of being pushed into experience I was unsure about and being challenged beyond what I thought possible. The IDEA of it. I like to think of myself as a strong artist that can adapt to anything, handle anything. Not expecting it to be easy by any means but I can do it.
This work process in France told me otherwise. I continuously criticized myself, let things get to me and questioned to myself why I was there. I felt like I didn't deserve to be there. Instead of being that person I could never be at home, I was faced with uncontrollable unconscious walls building themselves up between me and this person.
What am I waiting for?
Why are you being so resistant?
You don't have to be anyone else.
Don't be afraid.
Why are you so scared?
You don't have to explain yourself.
No one understands what I am going through.
Don't tell me you understand.
Stop trying to fix me.
Where is this coming from.
What's wrong with you?
I hate this.
What are you doing here? You don't deserve to be here.
You're not bringing anything to the table.
You don't deserve any feedback.
You are stupid and ugly.
I CAN'T DO THIS.
Why are you being so selfish?
Get over it.
You can do it!
You are always so strong and bulky and this way - can't you be more like this? More light and feminine and pretty and a good dancer.
Give me something positive.
Yeah, why aren't you more like that?
Try something else.
Stope feeling sorry for yourself.
I should quit.
Why am I wasting my and everyone else's time being here?
You are doing it wrong, but don't take it personally.
It's not all about you.
The best thing about that duet was that the other person made great choices.
Push through, push through, push through.
Personal in terms of the work.
Complaining vs. generosity
Relate your issue to the work and it could be helpful.
Share what you feel or just get over it? Is that just your nature? Did you really ever get over it? You let it build.
THATS NOT ME.
Be transparent sometimes.
You learned something from all this.
You are stronger than you think.
On this trip I was forced to step back and acknowledge these feelings, observations, thoughts I am often faced with at home but felt kind of extreme in our process in France. It allowed me to see myself in a new light. It was like being in this artistic process, I put myself under a super fine magnifying glass and really feel them and find out where they are coming from.
Of course there were more positive and seriously life changing experiences in France then not, but this was a large part of my overall experience. I think this writing was a little fed by the conversation preceding this assignment to reflect but it made me realize my feelings are not nothing and it is okay to feel what you want to feel when you are feeling them. Sometimes they stick around sometimes they pass. Either way I can now identify them and maybe that's the first step to being a better me or figuring out who I really am.